Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Trending now...

And this is why women have body issues!!! Trending topics! It makes you think who are the losers at home causing these to be trending topics? Well, me I guess if I'm looking at them too. Oops!

Trending topics right now on Yahoo:

Audrina Patridge Wows in a Teeny Bikini - what gets me about this story is the comments people leave & how angry they are; "She's gross, too thin, too fat, her boobs are fake, the right one looks bigger than the left, she has a stomach pooch, why's she even famous?" Hilarious considering every average American man would give his right arm to be with her & every average American woman wants to be her... That's why she's famous people because of you & No other reason!!!
A woman who's in shape in a bikini at a pool, has she no shame?! She needs to cover up with at least 50 pounds of fat!
Gisele Bundchen expects baby #2 - comments; "she looks like a man, she's fat, she's too skinny, finally she looks a little bit more like a normal person, I don't think she's pretty at all." Obese people of America don't get mad at her, take your anger out on the treadmill or in a spinning class, use your burning hatred of these people to burn some calories!
She's a supermodel & you're not. Don't hate, appreciate!
And my favorite trending topic right now:

Depression  - LOL, no wonder people are depressed with all the comments people leave, they sure as sugar don't seem happy & self-accepting to me. And as a woman what are we supposed to do with comments that pick apart every inch of beautiful women's bodies. "You're too fat, you're too thin!" My advice stop listening!
Don't cry, girl! They don't mean it, Gisele is beautiful!
There's been a lot of debate online about women's weight & it's all pretty nasty & annoying. There is a healthy weight range & if you're 40 pounds outside of that in either direction... you're not healthy!

I say be healthy, but honestly be healthy, eat right, talk to your doctor & exercise daily. And on the bright-side you don't have to worry about running into any of those nasty commenters at the gym, they don't leave their house, I'm sorry, I mean mom's basement.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Going Dutch

I'm married & my single friends often ask "Anne, how did you find such a great man?" Easy, I'm amazing, have superb taste & extremely high standards. Ok, actually it's because I ONLY dated gentlemen.

Recently friends have been asking about going Dutch...      
THE HORROR! No, never, ever, ever should a woman go dutch, especially not on a first date. A man who wants to go Dutch on a 1st date is either broke, thinks you're not worth paying for, or is an egotist who thinks "she's lucky enough to be out with me, I shouldn't have to pay for her too."
Modern Day Romance?!

And ladies who insist on paying half, "STOP IT, you're ruining it for the rest of the single ladies!" Men should always pay when courting & women don't feel bad, it's romance, appreciate it while you have it!


Because trust me, women pay during the relationship with; taking birth-control, doing the laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, working our own career while supporting his, pretending to like his family, being responsible for everything while still looking good and not to mention pushing a watermelon out of our vagina aka child birth!

"I was going to post a video of a woman giving birth here but I can't do that to you all! It made me a little sick"

So women simmer down, have high standards & expect more from men. & men stop being bitches, pull out your wallets and pay the check already!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Facebook Face!

Is staring down at your smartphone, updating your status making you ugly? Yes, yes it is!

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons, out of the goodness of their hearts & with no ulterior motives, warn of the dreaded “smartphone face!” Constantly holding your head down to look at a laptop or smartphone may cause facial skin and muscle to lose elasticity, aka you'll be ugly & no one will love you...ever!

Look at the dreaded peril it has plagued on our youth! According to The Plastic Surgeons they're hideous & perfect candidates for skin-tightening treatments and chin implants!

"Damn you iphone! Damn you!"
"Can you see it if I go like this?!"
"I used to be a ladies man, now I'm just a victim of smartphone face!"
"3 months ago I was a stud but now, thanks to iphone, not even my own mother will look at me!"
"Smartphone face?! Nooooooooo"

"Compassion? Guess I better be nice, I mean who'd love a chin like this?!"
"You like my stripes? They really distract from my chins...damn it why'd I mention my chins?!"

"I stared at my iphone so much my eyes crossed & my jowls went loose! Why wasn't I warned? WHY?!"

"I'll never find a man with my sagging jowls! Plastic Surgeons please help!"

Plastic Surgeons, let me say thank you for protecting our youth from sagging jowls & ugliness!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Bigger The Smaller?!

Did you know that for every 30 pounds of excess weight a man carries he loses an inch of penis? Holy smokes, no wonder hipster dudes are always wearing tight pants, they want to show off their huge manorexic cocks!

Pockets of fat literally grow on the shaft eating your penis up! If that's not incentive to lose weight I don't know what is!
"Amazing his penis is becoming a vagina, the power of food!"
I was telling a girlfriend about this who's man just lost a lot of weight. "It's true, it's true!" She screamed. "I'm never going to let him gain weight again, never. I don't care if I have to put meth in his coffee. He'll never be fat again! Never!" Wow, I guess size does matter, who are we kidding of course it matters.
The only kind of fat man with a baby penis women want in their lives... ARE BABIES!
Men, I don't care what male dominated society has led you to believe, size matters! So unless the size of your wallet far exceeds the size of your waistband it's time to; shape up, lose weight & become men again... Get your penis back!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

July 4th from an Immigrant's POV

I moved to America when I was 8 & the best thing about this country... TV! A TV in every room & you don't have to fear the TV Tax Man, now that's the American Dream! For those of you who don't know what a TV Tax man is, you're lucky! 


"TV Tax Man! The TV Tax Man is coming!"
In Ireland if you own a TV set you have to pay a possession tax. And they are serious about it, they send Inspectors out to do house to house checks. This would send the neighborhood into a frenzy, kids would run up & down the street screaming "TV Tax Man, the TV Tax Man is coming!" And all the adults would run inside & cover their TV sets with whatever they could find. 

video

"In Ireland it is a prosecutable offense to be found in possession of an unlicensed television set. An Irish TV license costs €160 . Fines for not having a license can be up to €635 for a first offense."

"Now, they'll never see that we have a TV!"
Thank you America for protecting the sanctity of TV! God Bless America! 

Happy 4th of July!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Just another Manic Matchmaker

I tried to watch episode 2 of "Miss Advised" last night but I couldn't do it, that show is painful. Do we really need another show about self-absorbed, single women who lack heart and prospects advising us on how to find true love? I hope not. But I guess those who can't do teach, right? Wrong, these women are crazy & have no idea what true love is.

From left to right; Hep A, B & C

  
Case and point, word is Patti Stanger of "Millionaire Matchmaker" recently hit a crew member and her show may be getting cancelled.  Thank God, I knew there was a reason he scared me so much.

"What?! Crew members aren't real people!" 
But honestly I feel sorry for these women, they seem like spoiled brats who's daddy's loved them too much and constantly told them they were princesses. It's just too bad they all grew up & became the evil step-mother.
 
True love's not a 73 point check list, it's not how much money a person has, their job or their social status. True love is finding someone who makes you feel okay with being who you truly are, someone who respects you and believes in you even when you don't believe in yourself. A partner for life. And of course someone who's okay with using sex toys in the bedroom;)



Monday, July 2, 2012

A Trend I can't get "Behind"

There's a cheeky little trend happening & I just can't get behind it... Shorts so short they leave nothing to the imagination.


Little Red Riding up her Hood!

Short-Shorts on a bike, isn't this how people get pregnant?!
Holy butt cheeks, Batman!
This just looks dangerous, can you say yeast infection?!

Her cheeks are so cold she has to wear a fur coat?!


Sunday, July 1, 2012

MAGIC MIKE EFFECT!

Every woman I know is rushing out to see "Magic Mike" & the reviews are in... "Best movie ever" Sure the story line may be lacking but who needs a story line when you have Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey & Joe Manganiello gyrating around half naked.

Women are getting all worked up & I predict what I can only call the "Magic Mike Effect"
In April when we see a record number of births we'll know why! Thank you "Magic Mike"






 + 9 months =