Friday, December 7, 2012

Grossest Ingredients in Food

They say you are what you eat. Let's hope not because there's some nasty shit hiding in our food! This is a list of some of the grossest things you didn't realize you were eating.

Skatole 
It's used as a flavoring agent & often found in ice-cream. What is it you ask? It's poop, yup animal feces. Enjoy!
Hold on this is ice-cream tastes like shit!
L-cysteine
An amino acid dough conditioner and flavor enhancer in human and pet foods. It's found in breads, bagels & apparently in almost everything at McDonalds. What is it? Human hair! Although duck feathers or hog hair were used when the human hair supply was low. Oh yes, the great hair shortage 06, which coincidentally, fell around the same time as the Rogaine shortage.
And you taught 1 hair in your food was bad!
Castoreum
Used as a food flavoring, especially to enhance raspberry flavor. It's also found in chewing gum and cigarettes.What is it? Beaver Ass juice! Really, it's the anal juice collected from the castor sac scent glands of beavers & located near the anus. My question, who discovered this ingredient & then had the audacity to tell others about it?! "You know what's delicious? Beaver Ass juice!"
"When I said eat my ass, I didn't mean literally!"

Gelatin
This ingredient is in Jell-o, yogurt, sour cream, candy, wine, beer, tons of stuff. What is it? When I was ten I called up Kraft who produces Jell-o & asked, here's the definition from them. "Gelatin is the hide of any animal used for consumption & is not classified an animal product because the animals used can't be identified." Can't be identified? A 2 year old can identify animals, what is it they don't want us to know?!
That's right, Obama just put horse meat back on the American menu!
Propylene Glycol
It's used in Ice-cream, cake mix, salad dressing to keep a smooth texture. What is it? It's antifreeze.  And now there's a new antifreeze, made from a gelatin protein, that could be added to any frozen food to prevent unappetizing ice crystals from forming. "Oh good because animal skin & anti-freeze in my ice-cream I can deal with but ice crystals, that's disgusting!"
Animal hide & antifreeze, check. Ice-cream here we come!
Rennet
It's used in cheese & is an enzyme used to encourage even more thickening so that curds form and separate from the whey. What is it? The lining membrane of the 4th stomach of a calf or the stomach of certain young animals. Vegetarians beware it is in a lot of cheeses & is a veal byproduct but you can find vegetable rennet.
Cow, your cheese is delicious but it's missing something... your child!
Brominated Vegetable Oil
It's an emulsifier used in citrus flavored sodas to prevent the flavoring from separating & floating to the surface. What is it? Flame retardant, well I guess this is good for those of us who fear Spontaneous Combustion. Bad for everyone else, overexposure to bromine can cause skin lesions, memory loss and nerve disorders, & in mouse studies, big doses caused reproductive and behavioral problems. Dew was recently sued by a guy saying there was a dead mouse in his Dew, but the Pepsi company explained that's impossible because BVO isn't just flame retardant it also melts mice! WTF? It has been banned in food throughout Europe & Japan.
Flame Retardant & melts mice! What can't Dew Do?!
 Mineral Oil
Used in Candy to give it a glossy finish & to prevent the candy from sticking together, coating on raw fruits & veggies & on baked goods. What is it? Crude Oil! Petroleum people, which is also the source for gasoline!
Oil soaked fish are delicious!

Bon Appetit!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

English to English Translation


I just returned home from a trip to England & realized even though they were speaking English I was often lost in translation. So I've decided to translate a few of the words so you don't have to suffer the embarrassment I endured;)
Wait, they're red, white & blue too?! They so copied us!
ROCKET:
All over Europe you'll see on the menu, ROCKET SALAD. I ordered it thinking "Wow, it must be out of this world." Boy was I wrong! It was Arugula, plain old Arugula salad! WTF, why would you call Arugula Rocket?!
America Hell Yeah!
This Rocket explodes in your pants not your mouth!

FAG:
All over Europe people are swapping fags like they're women in Muslim countries. Luckily fags are cigarettes. This is an important word to know because it's heard at least 10 times a day & not knowing it may lead to confusion or a fight... "What did you call me?"... "How did you know?"
Smoking Fag!
Flaming Fag!

HOMELY:
In America homely means you were repeatedly hit by the ugly stick but not in Europe it means what we call homey; a cozy nice home. So if someone from Europe says your place is homely it's a compliment & not grounds to bury them in the backyard.
Homely in the UK!
Still Homely in the UK?!

FIERCE:
This is one of my favorite words! In Ireland Fierce means very & in the USA Fierce means fabulous & is best said by gay guys. Here are examples. Ireland "It's fierce cold!"   USA "Girl, you look fierce in those shoes!"


Always Fierce!

He's fierce drunk!









ORIENTAL:
Nope, I ain't talking about rugs. In Europe that's still an acceptable term for someone who's from Eastern Asia. And in Europe what we call Middle Eastern they call Asian, makes sense considering they're on the Continent of Asia, right?

Hello Yellow Fever!
What? At least I didn't say Oriental!
Iranians are Asians, who knew?!












So, there you have it. I guess words are just that words and only possess the power & meaning we give to them. Now, I'm off to blow a fag & toss a rocket salad at a homely Oriental's pad, it'll be fierce exciting!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

BOOBIES!

Last week the internet was a flurry about topless photos of Kate Middleton. Boobies, oh my god royalty is anatomically correct how uncouth, I thought they were just like the dolls! 
Remember as a kid making Ken & Barbie have sex...anyone? Anyone?!
I know this will come as a shock to many of you but boobies are good for more than just for masturbating too. Who knew?!
These ladies:
Come on...you still don't believe in evolution?!

Privacy please! Humans!

Humans stay away, you drained these things dry last time!

Buffet style feeding!

"No...hahahaha....That's my ticklish one!"
"Hmmm, what do you people call this pose The Thinker? What about The Drinker, damn I'm a funny gorilla!"

"Shoo, I see what you people do to cows & goats, don't even think about monkey milk!"
Mammals use their boobies to feed their young, unbelievable! I taught they were just for wet t-shirt contests & girlie magazines.

If you find anything erotic about this, go to the therapist right now you sick bastard!
Mom's what can't they do?! Well, besides pee standing up.
Breasts & breastfeeding is lovely & natural well there are exceptions:
Introducing the next Jeffrey Dahmer!
I wonder what man boobies can do?! Oh yeah nothing, well besides making me vomit in my mouth! I get it, Kate Middleton is heir to the English throne but honestly they're just tits people, everyone has them... these days!

Ain't that the truth!

"Guys stop taking pictures, fine you can touch them but no kissing this time!"
Someone's gonna lose an eye. Get this man a sprotsbro, stat!

Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone, there's a reason it was banned everywhere but the USA, man boobies!
The human form is a beautiful thing... most of the time.
He's a grower not a show'er!
"Let there be nudity!"
Now don't get me wrong I am a huge fan of clothes, HUGE, especially on some people but I don't want society to over sexualize women to the point of oppression & perversion, I mean more than they already do. And, I blame one thing for the worlds obsession with boobies...baby formula!
"It's just not the same!"
Boobies they're kinda like cocks, sure some are big, some are small, some point a little to one side, but they're basically all the same & once you seen a few you've pretty much seen 'em all.  Kate's privacy was invaded & that is not okay but on the other hand she gets to be a real life princess so if she's not okay with an occasional titty photo I will gladly take her place!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

A Salute to Female Inventors

Lately I've heard a lot of people say "Women haven't contributed as much to the world as men. Men invented everything!"

That statement makes me mad because there were female inventors in the past but they call them something different...what was it? Oh yeah...WITCHES!!!
This was just for making dinner taste too good, imagine what would of happened it they'd invented the light-bulb?! 
Not to mention women were not allowed to own property & a patent is intellectual property. Property was owned by the woman's father or husband...that ain't right! So, many women filed patents under their husbands names. Makes you think... never mind stop it, actions like that can get a woman hung!
"Suffrage, why would women want more suffrage?" If that's what you are thinking, congrats you're a moron!
But many women fought hard for women's rights & women did invent some cool stuff:

Josephine Cochrane, invented the dishwasher 1872:
Fuck penicillin, I'd rather have syphilis over doing dishes any day of the week!
Tabitha Babbitt inventer the Circular Saw 1812:
Bad Ass! Bet you thought it was a man.


Grace Hopper invented The Compiler and COBOL Computer Language 1952:

Wow, my grandma didn't even knew how to turn on the computer let alone develop code! You go girl!


Mary Anderson invented the windshield wiper 1903:
OMG, what did people do before they had windshield wipers?! Oh yeah...crash!  


Stephanie Kwolek invented Kevlar 1966:
Shoot for the stars...get it shoot!
Mary Phelps Jacob invented the Modern Brassiere:
Thank you! Without you my tits would sag lower than Larry King's scrotum!
 Marion Donovan invented the disposable diaper 1950:
My Sis-in-law once tried cloth diapers & it was horrific! HORRIFIC!!! This women deserves a Nobel Prize!
So be proud to be a woman & if someone insults you or your gender tell them to "Fuck off" & if that fails, a throat punch always does the trick. Now, I'm not saying I advocate throat punches, I mean I do but I'm not saying that. 
Seriously! We can, scientists created mice pups from 2 female mice. No male mice or sperm were involved in that invention of LIFE. So men be nice or else!
Sure men are winning the invention race but hey they had one hell of a head start. But thanks to the brave women of yesterday, today we enjoy freedom & rights to invent & prosper without all the hurdles like hangings! So go out, invent something & change the world because you can!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Lay off me I'm starving...

Yesterday a friend asked "What is your blog about?" "Whatever the hell I feel like writing that day." I replied. "Well in that case can you do one about what you eat to stay thin? I try to diet & I get so hungry I eat everything in sight."


Best SNL sketch ever!!!

So, this one's for you & may you never be starving again.

What I eat to stay thin:

1) Dieter's Green tea by Triple Leaf - is amazing for anyone trying to shed weight. I tried it & I swear the pounds just melted away. It will purge all the crap from your body, literally. It's fabulous!
Do not wear white pants while drinking!

 2) Fage yogurt with fruit - I LOVE desert & I swear Fage w/cherry tastes like cheese cake & it's only 140 calories. 140 calories people! Plus yogurt is so good for you, it helps prevent yeast infections & has a lot of anti-aging benefits. But I personally steer clear of the 1's with gelatin in them I prefer my yogurt without skin, thanks!

I eat so much of this I should buy stock!

Michael Weston & his yogurt...oh yeah!
3) Clif Bars - To be honest I wasn't always a fan of them but now I really like the chocolate chip one. I eat one right after I work out so I won't be starving later. & I carry 1 in my bag for a snack.
It ain't a Snickers but it will satisfy your hunger & won't make you fat!
3) Cheese - I love Goat Cheese with Garlic & herbs it's 1 of my favorite snakes right now. & I used to eat a lot of low-fat string cheese when I was dieting. Cheese is a great source of protein & calcium & fills you up.


This is my crack! & vegetarian means no veal aka Rennet in it, yay!

4) Trader Joe's Baked Sea Salt & Pepper Rice Crisps - OMG, they are sooooooo good & they are perfect with goat cheese.

So good, I think I just came a little.
5) Garden of Eaten' Red Hot Blues - to me they are like Doritos but without all the guilt. Warning do not eat them alone, you will eat the entire bag I always do. So now I only bring them to BBQ's & cook outs because I'm so addicted.
They're kinda like Doritos minus the obesity.

6) Lindt Excellence Chocolate - I can not live without chocolate, I need to have it around at all times. I used to only like milk chocolate but I switched to dark because it's better for you & thanks to Lindt I don't miss the milk. It's so delicious & it has no hydrogenated oils or fats which are the worst things in the world for you.
There is a God!
7) Fruit - nothing makes me happier than a piece of ripe fruit or nature's candy as I like to call it. But FYI fruit can spike blood sugar levels so if you have any problems with blood sugar levels you should enjoy fruit with a protein like cheese or at the end of a meal.
Did you know to be considered brunch a meal must be finished with fruit...Does a Mimosa count?!
8) Veggies - I hate people who say "I hate veggies" almost as much as people who say "I hate water." If you're an adult you're not allowed to say such asinine things. Your body needs veggies so if you want to be healthy eat them & shut up! They're delicious.
I'd like to toss your salad!
9) Alcohol - I know it's not a food but I consume it often enough to include it. Alcohol doesn't have too many calories the problem is the mixers. So I say fuck the mixers & drink it straight. Okay fine, you can add diet soda, sparkling water or a squeeze of fruit but that's it.
150 calories of bliss!
10) Water - I love water, I at all times have a glass nearby. It not only helps fill up your stomach, it expands food when eaten with a meal & it helps your skin. It's a win win & perfect just the way it is so don't add sweeteners to it or else...
The fountain of youth, who knew!
So there you go 10 of the foods I love. I also try to eat organic & I avoid hydrogenated fat & oil like the plaque. Hydrogenated fat is fattened fat & if it's job is to make fat fatter what do you think it'll do to your ass?!  My mom says if you cut hydrogenated fat & oils from your diet you'll lose 9 pounds in a month which makes sense considering it's in everything!
We will be fat no more!
There you go girl. Let me know how it works for you & good luck with the weight loss!