Thursday, August 9, 2012

A Salute to Female Inventors

Lately I've heard a lot of people say "Women haven't contributed as much to the world as men. Men invented everything!"

That statement makes me mad because there were female inventors in the past but they call them something different...what was it? Oh yeah...WITCHES!!!
This was just for making dinner taste too good, imagine what would of happened it they'd invented the light-bulb?! 
Not to mention women were not allowed to own property & a patent is intellectual property. Property was owned by the woman's father or husband...that ain't right! So, many women filed patents under their husbands names. Makes you think... never mind stop it, actions like that can get a woman hung!
"Suffrage, why would women want more suffrage?" If that's what you are thinking, congrats you're a moron!
But many women fought hard for women's rights & women did invent some cool stuff:

Josephine Cochrane, invented the dishwasher 1872:
Fuck penicillin, I'd rather have syphilis over doing dishes any day of the week!
Tabitha Babbitt inventer the Circular Saw 1812:
Bad Ass! Bet you thought it was a man.

Grace Hopper invented The Compiler and COBOL Computer Language 1952:

Wow, my grandma didn't even knew how to turn on the computer let alone develop code! You go girl!

Mary Anderson invented the windshield wiper 1903:
OMG, what did people do before they had windshield wipers?! Oh yeah...crash!  

Stephanie Kwolek invented Kevlar 1966:
Shoot for the stars...get it shoot!
Mary Phelps Jacob invented the Modern Brassiere:
Thank you! Without you my tits would sag lower than Larry King's scrotum!
 Marion Donovan invented the disposable diaper 1950:
My Sis-in-law once tried cloth diapers & it was horrific! HORRIFIC!!! This women deserves a Nobel Prize!
So be proud to be a woman & if someone insults you or your gender tell them to "Fuck off" & if that fails, a throat punch always does the trick. Now, I'm not saying I advocate throat punches, I mean I do but I'm not saying that. 
Seriously! We can, scientists created mice pups from 2 female mice. No male mice or sperm were involved in that invention of LIFE. So men be nice or else!
Sure men are winning the invention race but hey they had one hell of a head start. But thanks to the brave women of yesterday, today we enjoy freedom & rights to invent & prosper without all the hurdles like hangings! So go out, invent something & change the world because you can!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Lay off me I'm starving...

Yesterday a friend asked "What is your blog about?" "Whatever the hell I feel like writing that day." I replied. "Well in that case can you do one about what you eat to stay thin? I try to diet & I get so hungry I eat everything in sight."

Best SNL sketch ever!!!

So, this one's for you & may you never be starving again.

What I eat to stay thin:

1) Dieter's Green tea by Triple Leaf - is amazing for anyone trying to shed weight. I tried it & I swear the pounds just melted away. It will purge all the crap from your body, literally. It's fabulous!
Do not wear white pants while drinking!

 2) Fage yogurt with fruit - I LOVE desert & I swear Fage w/cherry tastes like cheese cake & it's only 140 calories. 140 calories people! Plus yogurt is so good for you, it helps prevent yeast infections & has a lot of anti-aging benefits. But I personally steer clear of the 1's with gelatin in them I prefer my yogurt without skin, thanks!

I eat so much of this I should buy stock!

Michael Weston & his yogurt...oh yeah!
3) Clif Bars - To be honest I wasn't always a fan of them but now I really like the chocolate chip one. I eat one right after I work out so I won't be starving later. & I carry 1 in my bag for a snack.
It ain't a Snickers but it will satisfy your hunger & won't make you fat!
3) Cheese - I love Goat Cheese with Garlic & herbs it's 1 of my favorite snakes right now. & I used to eat a lot of low-fat string cheese when I was dieting. Cheese is a great source of protein & calcium & fills you up.

This is my crack! & vegetarian means no veal aka Rennet in it, yay!

4) Trader Joe's Baked Sea Salt & Pepper Rice Crisps - OMG, they are sooooooo good & they are perfect with goat cheese.

So good, I think I just came a little.
5) Garden of Eaten' Red Hot Blues - to me they are like Doritos but without all the guilt. Warning do not eat them alone, you will eat the entire bag I always do. So now I only bring them to BBQ's & cook outs because I'm so addicted.
They're kinda like Doritos minus the obesity.

6) Lindt Excellence Chocolate - I can not live without chocolate, I need to have it around at all times. I used to only like milk chocolate but I switched to dark because it's better for you & thanks to Lindt I don't miss the milk. It's so delicious & it has no hydrogenated oils or fats which are the worst things in the world for you.
There is a God!
7) Fruit - nothing makes me happier than a piece of ripe fruit or nature's candy as I like to call it. But FYI fruit can spike blood sugar levels so if you have any problems with blood sugar levels you should enjoy fruit with a protein like cheese or at the end of a meal.
Did you know to be considered brunch a meal must be finished with fruit...Does a Mimosa count?!
8) Veggies - I hate people who say "I hate veggies" almost as much as people who say "I hate water." If you're an adult you're not allowed to say such asinine things. Your body needs veggies so if you want to be healthy eat them & shut up! They're delicious.
I'd like to toss your salad!
9) Alcohol - I know it's not a food but I consume it often enough to include it. Alcohol doesn't have too many calories the problem is the mixers. So I say fuck the mixers & drink it straight. Okay fine, you can add diet soda, sparkling water or a squeeze of fruit but that's it.
150 calories of bliss!
10) Water - I love water, I at all times have a glass nearby. It not only helps fill up your stomach, it expands food when eaten with a meal & it helps your skin. It's a win win & perfect just the way it is so don't add sweeteners to it or else...
The fountain of youth, who knew!
So there you go 10 of the foods I love. I also try to eat organic & I avoid hydrogenated fat & oil like the plaque. Hydrogenated fat is fattened fat & if it's job is to make fat fatter what do you think it'll do to your ass?!  My mom says if you cut hydrogenated fat & oils from your diet you'll lose 9 pounds in a month which makes sense considering it's in everything!
We will be fat no more!
There you go girl. Let me know how it works for you & good luck with the weight loss!